I am feeling the pull of ceremony. The Dance. Grandmother Turtle under a blue moon. The hill – a vision quest.
As I enter into the month of June, which the Gregorian calendar marks as the middle of the year, I find myself reflecting on an entire year. The Sundance ceremony, a ceremony of life and rebirth, ushers in the new year just after the summer solstice. Since last year’s ceremony, I pause to consider, who was I at this time last year? What have I learned about myself? And where am I going now?
A few days after the dance last year, I dreamed of three red fox. The medicine of fox teaches me to keep my head down, to find greater comfort in silence and become invisible. In my lifetime, I have fought this, feared being invisible – if I am not seen then what is my purpose or value? I recognize myself as both anonymous and known when I look into the mirror. How am I the same? How have I changed? I recount the lessons of this past year when drawing on the medicine of fox served me well. And the times when I would have been better served had I been more like fox and remained silent or hidden.
Some recent soul doctoring has led me towards unification of self. Integration into a greater understanding of myself as a whole. With this I am finding a new sense of peace of mind and heart. I am watching for patterns – personal and ancestral – asking what else can I turn towards and heal? I hold myself accountable for bad habits.
Recently I saw a photograph of an old lover that a mutual friend had posted on Facebook. My first thought was how he looks just the same. My next thought was how different I am. In the years since that relationship the changes in me have been many and mighty. I look back at the woman I was with tenderness and not judgment, with compassion and self-love rather than blame. Surprisingly, I find myself grateful for who I was then, offering myself kindness. Increasingly I am more and more satisfied with who I am now recognizing the miles I have come to get to this place of self-love, knowing there are miles to go to be the best version of myself possible. Who I will become as I lean into the unknown mystery called the future?
What prayers will I take to the tree? I have prayed for a long time for those who will dance their prayers, for those who will hold the container of ceremony, for those how will cry for a vision and be there to support. I have prayed for the land, for the water, for the ancient ones who carried these ways forward. Prayed as I served in preparation for these ceremonies. I am asking myself now, what prayers will I say for me? Who do I want to be next year? What will I manifest with integrity and intention? Perhaps I will stumble and fail, learn the hard way – this too a gift in the process of my life and constant rebirth. I am grateful for it all.
Mitakuye Oyasin ~ All My Relations